Entry #11

depression

2017-02-12 23:20:58 by PsychoZombii

I've been super depressed lately. crying a lot and feeling bad for myself. it sucks ass, really.

first and foremost, my older brother died. he didn't make it to 2017, but he still went out with a happy heart. i cried a lot. i cried HARD. i got depressed.

next, i got my heart broken by a woman i loved more than myself and i fell into an even DEEPER depression. im still crying a lot over her. i'm mad at her because i gave up a lot for her and even turned some friends into enemies because of her. that being said, at the same time i feel like i deserve better, BUT at the same time i feel like i couldnt find better. you dont find many short cute girls who would love a short nerd like me. honestly, breaking every limb in my body would be less painful than this. 

lastly, i'm so depressed that i'm making mistakes when it comes to getting a job, which makes me unable to get a job, and in turn makes me more depressed. i've cried 3-4 times today thinking about all of this. my life is not going how i wanted it to go. but i'm slowly trying to break out of the depression. it all starts with working harder to get a career. career = money, and with money, a lot of things become possible, like leading a healthier lifestyle, fixing my car, and getting my own place. maybe meeting new people in person will make me feel better. whoever said money cant buy happiness was misguided.

well, if you read all this, thank you for reading my rant. i needed to write it all down and let it out.


Comments

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GimmickGimmick

2017-03-11 12:07:39

holy shit man, you have my condolences. RIP, I'd be devastated if anyone I knew died..let alone an elder brother. Fuck, how old was he?

I dunno what to say dude, "it gets better" is a very cliched line...

PsychoZombii responds:

he was 25, died like a week before his bday. so he's 26 now.

thanks for the condolences though, man. i appreciate it. it's getting better but i still think about him every day.


GimmickGimmick

2017-03-26 00:55:03

If you don't mind my asking, how did he die?

PsychoZombii responds:

cancer. doctors were giving him medication for something else for a long time cause he had back pain, until an actually-competent doctor checked him and found that the back pain came from advanced cancer attacking his spine...

it wast too late by the time we found out.


GimmickGimmick

2017-03-28 22:59:49

Damn. Spinal cancer's one of the worst since it can't be operated on easily and the only thing to do is batter it with chemo/radio...if it's any cold consolation, it might have been too late when it reached the spine...